The Van (capitalised because that is how it is addressed) is getting old. The Fiat Doblo isn’t as old as Napoleon but with nearly 250,000 miles on the clock in its four year life it has been through a lot. I think if Dad ever wanted to completely get rid of The Van I would buy it from him. It has become a bit of a legend in my life and something I would be sore to lose. There is many a story about how I used to get lifts to work in the back of it (it only had two front seats). People used to watch me appear from the back doors, brush myself off and say good bye to my mum and dad before walking in to work as if what I had done was something completely normal.
You could say it was completely normal; for me, at least. For his short time in the UK Napoleon became the family car with both me and Dad as named drivers. Unfortunately, now Napoleon is Irish my parents have to continue having adventures in The Van. They don’t see it as a problem, actually I think my mum prefers The Van to some extent and I know dad doesn’t trust any other car out there. The number of times dad started Napoleon in second, and then went straight from third to fifth and completely forgot about sixth; getting back into a car with mirrors smaller than make-up compact mirrors must have been tricky for him too.
People are aware that future me owns an Aston Martin Vanquish. However I also aim to own a Land Rover at some point, more specifically a Land Rover Defender. This is the realistic of my two future cars (who am I kidding? I’m also aiming for a Caterham Seven and a Range Rover Overfinch). In an effort to see whether or not I could drive a Land Rover, I called up my local dealer and asked for a test drive. To my surprise they gave me the keys to a SWB panel Defender 90; it was a beautiful sunny day so I took it for a spin in the Yorkshire countryside.
Here are the cliff notes: It has the aerodynamics of a brick, the acceleration of cow being hit with a stick and all the creature comforts in a Ford Sierra from the 1980’s. I loved it. I could even reverse park it with no issues (I can’t do that with Napoleon and he has parking sensors and a rear view mirror). It had the large wing mirrors that showed everything, it was incredible to handle in tight spots and only had what you needed. Well, ok, so what you needed on a working vehicle.
It was only then that I realised why dad insists on driving his white van. The Van is a work horse; it can be bashed about and sent up and down the M1 twice a week. It can be driven by two very spirited youths that have no respect for other people’s property (love you, dad) and even though it’s not rated for it The Van can easily carry a 1 tonne pallet. Though just don’t ask it to stop quickly, or actually at all.
But the day will come when The Van will have to retire (hopefully to Ireland, with me) and Dad will still need a cost effective way to get to his job in London. The Van is still cheaper than the train even with fuel and running costs so until The Van actually falls into its component parts never to be put back together again I think dad will continue to drive. What will happen after The Van goes though? My father, the upstanding man that he is, will need a suitable replacement.
There are two ways to look at this; firstly the van market. The Ford Transit is the first name that comes into anyone’s head. If it isn’t the name then it is most definitely the most iconic image in the White Van Man tradition. It would be the most fitting replacement for The Van. Compared to the Doblo it is bigger, however the engines are more sophisticated and built for the van market. The Doblo still had a domestic 1.9ltr diesel; the Transits all now come with TDCi diesel engines and along with fuel efficiency don’t kill nearly as many polar bears as they once did.
The other way to look at the problem of a Quinn family vehicle is this: Dad is technically on the Board of Directors and when he comes to work parks The Van among a plethora of BMW 5 Series, Mercedes E and C classes and probably the odd Audi A6 and A8.
Let me set the record straight here for a second. Businessmen do not drive those cars because of comfort, or style, or for some strange sense of belonging because the God of Coat Hanger Men demands it. No. They are family men, they need the five doors and the seats in the back (I don’t know why, children can fit in the boot) and they need a place to put the Waitrose shopping. The cars are normally company cars so come in a set style or dressed up to look professional rather than vulgar (I’m looking at you, Focus RS). Businessmen, contrary to popular belief, are also human and buy these cars (in their metallic black with leather interiors, 5 doors and 5 seats) because of the powerhouse that resides under the bonnet and the technology in the dashboard (annoying sat-nav voice aside). Not only do they drive to work each day but they decide to drive to the petrol station at ten o’clock at night because they “need” a “paper”, and return at gone midnight with a bottle of whiskey, several chocolate bars and a bottle of diet coke as the car ticks itself cool in the drive.
The BMWs, Mercedes and Audis of this world were not built for the commute to work but for the long, round about drive to the petrol station at ten o’clock at night. The cars themselves are quite reserved on the school run and the drive to the office (unless you get them with M, AMG or RS badges of course). They are poised on the road and because they’re German, they’re very well built. Are they a good option for my dad then? No. Because they’re built for that late night drive, they are not built for the long drive down to London each week. The suspension is sporty firm, the tyres are low profile and all the differentials and traction controls mean these cars were built for the Nürburgring. That’s fine if you are after that power and control and not a comfortable, quiet and smooth ride. This is why business men have them, because of the monster that lies within. They can finally enjoy the drive to work on that one occasion they get to overtake someone, or take a corner too fast. But when they get to work they can still park it in the reserved space and get out without a crease in their suit.
This is why, when my dad does ask me to help him pick a car to replace The Van, I will tell him to go get a Ford Mondeo.
